Faith

My last blog post was written after a trip to the Bahamas and I vowed to write more about my travel adventures. I’ve had 3 more trips since then planned but cancelled due to various reasons. Life has taken a turn for the unexpected with a cancer diagnosis in someone close to me and faultering cognition with another close family member. My new ‘job’ so to speak, is not trekking through rainforests or viewing the valleys from a Blue Ridge mountain top but rather, navigating through the cumbersome journey of endless doctor visits, hospitals and the fact, that these are the days of my life.

I suppose, in the grand scheme of things, all of this is a part of life’s up’s and down’s and that the man upstairs really is the one that our fate rests upon. As I do my best to aid those close to me going through all of it at once, it brings a lot of reflection about in my own mind. Times like these can test us mentally, emotionally and even, physically. We question the meaning of life, our own mortality and the reason why we must go through such events at all.

We beat ourselves up for not noticing little things in the past that we dismissed for whatever reason. We wonder if we missed something significant and if we hadn’t then would the outcome be entirely different than it looks today? My head has resembled a continuous flow chart of “if this, then this” and “if that, then this” from the moment I wake up to the late hours of the night before my mind just shuts down in exhaustion.

If God or the universe, or whatever you see to be a higher power, is really the one in charge, then why try at all? Why play the endless rat race of chemotherapy, rehab centers and absorbent medical fees, at all? My father used to tell me growing up that only 2 things were inevitable in life–death and taxes. I think we can all agree that death is inevitable. So, why must we even try to take care of ourselves and our family members at all if we are going to die anyway?

I have to say, I’ve learned a lot about my own resilience and my own limits. In the constant chaos of the last few months, I’ve come to realize that there is only so much one human can do and that’s all we can expect of us and each other. I have let faith guide me during this journey. Faith tells me that there is a resolution coming soon. It may not be the resolution I desired nor saw coming, but resolution indeed nonetheless.

My faith that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and life will go on for me. I need to accept that matters aren’t always wrapped up in a perfect box with a shiny bow. I need to accept the here and now. I need to breathe. I vow next time I travel, I will have some great adventurous stories to share, however, my travels for now are writing from a cold, depressing waiting area as I await the latest imaging results….

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